Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Random Thoughts [2]

I was thinking about it all time. Or I terribly wanted it. A little sister. A tiny little one. I still remember the day Neha hugged me, When I was about to leave their house. She was very affectionate kid. Its Lamiya who made me think about it again, When I went to write supplies. She would come to my room, sit on me or anybody who is lying in the bed and start talking. She is very smart girl. When she is talking to u, she will hold your hand or put her hands around your neck. That kills me.

 I have an elder sister. And I hate it. I don't think anybody will like elder sisters or brothers. Unless they are giving lots of money and all. They will scold you if you do any mistakes[Or whatever you do]. They will advice you when needed or not. They will never support you if you are doing any crazy things. Like bunking classes etc.

 But younger ones are not like that. The tiny little ones. When mom scold you and you are sad or crying they will come to you, sit next to you on bed. They wont tell a thing. But all of a sudden they will hug you, put their arm around your waist. That kills me.

 But there is no way to get one now. So I thought of a daughter. I have no plans to get married soon. Then how? I thought about adopting one. I can get really crazy sometimes. I always imagined it. Walking with her, telling all the names and stories about the things which comes our way. Going to park, Going to the beach and sit on that highest rock near the beach and telling her stories, parables [Once I told this idea to one of my friend. I was very excited telling all this. But she was just killing time. May be I share too much crazy things with girls.] etc.

 What made me write this now is I just finished "The Catcher in The Rye" by J.D Salinger. In which the main character has described about his little sister. It really touched me. I like children very much. Yeah everybody do. I know its not a big deal. Well. I don't know how to tell you.
 Its boring nowadays. I want to go back to Bangalore. Seeing me simply sitting here, mom sends me to all the marriages and receptions. I hate to go to any parties. The thing is I wasn't around home for last few years. So I don't know anybody and the people I knew changed alot in their physical appearance. People come to you and ask 'do you know me?' And we will give a smile back as an acknowledgement of recognition. But then they ask you to tell their name. Huh there it starts. Within hours you'll get complaints through your mom that her son don't remember these people.

 Sometimes it makes you sad. Last week, I'd been to this party. And one girl jumped in front of me and called my nickname[Which, only my family members call me. A few friends also call that. But I don't like too many people call me that.] and asked me how are you n all. I was like - I knew her. But I couldn't remember her name or where I'd met this girl. She was smiling. But seeing my confused face she told her name and place we were together. Still I didn't get it. Her smile faded and she told she is in kinda hurry n all. It killed me. She was really happy and all and I couldn't even get those goddamn old memories from my old brain tapes. It really depressed me. So later I went to her and had a conversation. I think it made her a little happy. That's the end of it. I told mom I wont be going to any functions in near future.

 Didn't I tell u? I disconnected my Internet connection. Now I have lots of time. I already finished two books in Jan. Now reading the third one. And the TV sucks as usual. India lost the match and there was this interesting debate in NDTV about reading. Some fear this paperback books are in danger. Nobody will be reading them in future. Everybody will buy an Amazon Kindle. What the ****. I hate this kinda debates. Nonsense. I don't think any gadget will give you the pleasure of reading a hard copy. May be some of you have different views. But I hate this Barka Dutt. I told you before. On the day of Ayodhya verdict. She is incarnation of Satan. We shouldn't use that s* word often. Because the more we use it the stronger he becomes. :P

Wish you all happy Republic Day. Peace.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Life - In Past, Present and Future

His mom was teaching him lessons about God.

Boy : So. We can ask anything to God? Will he give anything?
Mom : Yeah. He'll. If you deserve it.

Boy : We can't see him, we can't hear him. We can only give prayers?
Mom : Yeah. But we can feel him.

Boy : What if I want to write something to him?
Mom : You can write it and just burn it. He'll get it.

Boy : But.. Without address?
Mom : U don't need any address. He'll get it. Think of him when u burn it.

Boy : Huh! so we can send anyone letters like this? just thinking of them and burning it.
Mom : Yeah you can.

Boy : How many letters I can send?
Mom : As many as you want. Until u are grown up. God will read only children's letters.

He thought a lot of time what to ask. At last he sent a letter to God asking for Chocolates. And he believed that it was God who send him Chocolates with his uncle.

After Twenty years. Now he is grown up and God no more read his letters. He was calling her, messaging her. But he didn't get any answer. So he decided to write a letter. Even though he didn't have an address.

Are you there? alive? why not answering my calls? No reply for messages?

I was thinking about us. Our relationship. Which you call as friendship and I call as something else. I know you really don't want to answer my phones and messages. Last day I tried to figure out what really happened between us. We were never friends. I can see a colorful past long long ago but still we weren't. It started where it seemed to end. You had a little problem with you. You didn't have anybody to share it or help you. You were going through a real tough time in your life (or it seemed like that to me ), so tried to help you. Or at least tried to give you a company. Thought it'll keep you from crying and help you to take your decisions. What I did was a good thing, ain't it? I don't think you loved or liked me. I don't think you'll do either. I was kind of comforting thing for you. During your tough times. You told me your problems, I listened. You shared your likes and dislikes, I listened. I suggested some too. You didn't like some things I said. To be specific, some words. May be some sentences too.

But you wanted my company hence ignored them. Sometimes you changed the subject, sometimes you waited for me to change it. (Do you feel discomfort because I use the word "you" often? I'm sorry. I'm not blaming you or ending as you did everything.) I think I've seen almost all the phases you went through during this. I know you tried to hide a lot. But I could guess those. Because its not first time I'm doing it. Do you remember you used to call me and just cry? not even telling a hello. Now I see my calls are not answered. My messages are not replied.

I can see how happy you are now. Now you don't have any problems to share. That means you don't need me anymore. No no. Hold on. Just don't say I'm mad and go away. As you always do. What I told is right. You know it. I don't think you'll do it but I'm sure you thought about it. I can see how disturbed you are hearing about me. I don't believe in stick on to something without a cause. You can apply the same thing on me too. But you've to decide. I think its the right time. Right when one's jokes are crossing the limits.

Didn't I tell you? Everybody forget things very fast. The only thing people remember is how one behaved to them for the last time, Not the times before it. That's how the love which seemed to be eternal turns hate.

You know. I was like this. Always. It was your needs and situations created a good past and bad present in my life. Remember I'll be like this. In future too.

Monday, January 3, 2011

A train journey with Roomie!

Girl : Randeep, Do you know one thing?
Me : ?
Girl : You know what is the best comfort on earth?
Me : ?
Girl : The one you didn't have it yet. Woman.
Me : !
Girl : And you will never have it.

[Was she cursing me? something broken to pieces inside me when I heard it. Like a glass broken into thousand pieces. But I never tried to rearrange it and show her I can be thousand times better. I never felt a need for one. My friends and work kept me from loneliness. But last few weeks I've been missing something. That's why I said yes when Nibul gave this idea.]

Railway stations are very Romantic place, ain't them? We were coming back to Trissur from Ernamkulam after submitting some documents for Nibul's Dubai Transit Visa. It was at south railway station we spotted her. She was in a blue jeans and well, I forgot about the tshirt. It wasn't her dress that grabbed the attention but her shoes. A new pair for blue shoes. Like the ones boys wear. And her brown colored bag on which something was written. I don't remember that too.

She was tall. May be a five feet five inches, fair. She had a mole on the left of her nose near the eye and that will be the first thing you'll notice when you look at her.

We left her and went to buy some books. Bought one Tehelka which was featuring some Tiger issue[Good one to kill time re]. Then we returned to train and was looking for the seats, we saw her sitting alone in a sleeper berth near the window.

We[Me and Nibul ] looked each other and saw the same light in each others' eyes. We got into her compartment and headed to her.

Me :  Is there anybody here?
She : !@$%^ [Not audible]

Me :  [Repeating again]
She : I don't know. [it followed a smile.]

I sat opposite to her and Nibul near the window on the side berth and started reading Tehelka like a nerd.
I was thinking what to do. At that time I got a message. It was from Nibul. It started as this.

Nibul : Start "Mission Chick"  5minutes after the train starts!

When I was reading it one man who seemed to be on early forties came and sat between me and her right opposite of her. He was on his Lungi[Dhoti]. So now two lower berths. On one she was sitting near the window. On the other one Lungi man sitting opposite to her near the window and me on the other end of same berth with him. And Nibul sitting and reading Tehelka on the side berth. Time went on. I replied Nibul.

Me : This guy is oola[Dummo]. That will give us a way. Lets start.

Nibul : "I'm very bad at it. Pediya["m afraid].And I don't like the Mundu[Lungi] guy sitting next to u, he is Sheen's[one of our classmate. known critic!] bigger copy, and he expecting touchings from her? So u start, I'll support after I gain confidence.

I was thinking how to start. She was on phone. Earphones on. Last I found an idea. Ask where are these folks going. I started with the Mundu guy.

Me : Chetten engotta? [Where are you going]
Mundan : Palakkad.

me : [looking at her] Engotta?  
she : Took off the earphones and gestured "what?"
me : engotta pokunne? [Where are you going? ]
she : Bangalore. And she put the earphones back.

Me messaged to Nibul: If this mundu guy was not here, we could make it a heaven. And you, fatass, where were the support u promised. Fag**

Nibul : My support comes only after I "gain" about 60% confidence! Right now I have only 15% confi, and the mundu guy made me nervous. You have made a very good start! I never expected that!! Seriously! very good roomie!Good going! Cmon, will support you in short time. u can manage it.

I waited for a second chance. And she seemed to be very busy with mob. Nibul was buried deep under the Tiger feature. Dumbass. I got bored.

Me to her:  Are you studying there? in Bangalore?

she : No. I'm going for an interview.
I gave her a thumbs up.
She : Thank u

me: which company? 
she : [Told some company name.I didn't get it]

Me : What didya study? Engineer?
she : No. I studied Mass communication. 

me : here in ernamkulam?
she : No. In Hyderabad.

Me : Parents are working there? In Hyderabad?
she : No I went there for studying this.
me : woow. cool.

me : sorry. didn't ask you name.
she : Suman

Me : Where you are going to stay? In Bangalore.
she gave us a weired look

Me : I'm also working there in Bangalore. That's why asked.
she : J.P Nagar.

Me :That's close. I'm in BTM.
she : yeah. 
She put the earphones back. And looked out through the window. Time passed. I messaged Nibul.

Me : I don't think she'll hung up that call and if she do, I'm sure she'll keep that earphones on. So stop dreaming and think of ******. All the best.

Nibul : :) Ok. But if she does, you have a great chance. We are doing good. u r doing excellent! all the best roomie! All the best. you are good at this. Never expected 7/10.
Reading it I cursed myself for being his roommate for the last 3 years. Time went on. Stations passed. I felt sleepy.

Me : K. Fatass. I'm stopping it. U are a ****head. And she shows least interest in talking. Help Tigers. Screw yourself.

Nibul : Yes. Thank you! u attack her. I'll rescue her. I'll be the hero, U be the Villain. Who later turns to be  the hero's roomie and best friend, and very later be her BF!

I wanted to kill him. I looked at him. He remind me of the main character in Ice age anim. Thats how I managed it.

Nibul : This Mundu guy is trying to show his *** to her. Kallan. 
I noticed it. He was arranging his Mundu often. Revealing whatever inside. Knowingly or not!

At this time, the mundu guy started talking to her. It was about to reach thrissur. I got another sms.
Nibul : Haha the mundan will kill her after we get out! she will be praying for someone sensible to get in from thrissur. 

Train reached thrissur. I didn't want to say even bye to her. What kinda girl is this? Didn't even ask our names. That time Nibul stood up and told her.

Okie, All the best. [that's the only words came out from his mouth during the trip.]

me too: yeah all the best.
We got out of it and I was shouting at him, the train started moving. And her window came near us as we where walking along with it. She saw us and she smiled.

After one hour while I was in bus on my way home I got a message from Nibul. Which was sent one hour before. It said

"Don't forget to say bye and happy journey to her".
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